flashback

It is one minute until midnight and we just rolled in from the greater Chicago area. John and I took a little day trip up to see his family. The highlight of the trip was the 3 week old baby. His nieces daughter. She was just as cute as she could be. We talked and laughed and played pass the baby making sure everyone got to hold her. The mom is only 19, the age of my youngest and 3 years younger than I was when I had my first. Watching her with the baby was interesting. She changed the baby's outfit several times, put a variety of different barrettes in the few stands of hair on her daughter's head. It was as if she was playing dress up with her real live baby. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking her for that. I was the same way when I brought Alexsis home for the first time. All of the sudden you have this living breathing thing to take care of. it depends on you for everything and you have to figure out what it wants and needs without any real form of communication.Talk about scary. The whole thing is surreal, you go through the motions trying to be a good Mom but at the same time you are unsure of every decision you make. And somehow, while you are not paying attention it happens, you just fall into the role of mother as if you were always meant to be there. but in the beginning you are flying blind.

That is how I felt when I brought my daughter home from the hospital. The funny thing is it comes full circle. As unsure of myself as I was then, I made it. I became a good mom. And now I find myself unsure again. Flying blind. looking for my place in this world. For over 20 years I have known how to do only one thing well, parent. So, what now? I am hoping that while I am faking it going through the motions like I was way back when, things will just fall into place and I will find my way.

The kids, who are on winter break from college, didn't come on the trip to Chicago. Alexsis is in Paris, France and Jordan stayed home to recover from the extraction of his wisdom teeth. Normally I would really miss them and be sad that they were missing out on a family event. But today something was a little different. As I watched my niece with her baby I remembered that I had a full life before my kids came to me. I was a self assured young woman with hopes and dreams. I reflected on that quite a bit throughout the day, and as I drove down the Dan Ryan, a feat I could not have completed not ten years ago, I realized that we are in a constant state of flux. Our live changes before us and we have to decide if we are along for the ride. I truly enjoyed the ride home from Chicago. Even if it wasn't to my real home. My head was full of ideas for trips that I could take with my husband, and we turned off the radio and chatted all the way home.