It is one minute until midnight and we just rolled in from the greater Chicago area. John and I took a little day trip up to see his family. The highlight of the trip was the 3 week old baby. His nieces daughter. She was just as cute as she could be. We talked and laughed and played pass the baby making sure everyone got to hold her. The mom is only 19, the age of my youngest and 3 years younger than I was when I had my first. Watching her with the baby was interesting. She changed the baby's outfit several times, put a variety of different barrettes in the few stands of hair on her daughter's head. It was as if she was playing dress up with her real live baby. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking her for that. I was the same way when I brought Alexsis home for the first time. All of the sudden you have this living breathing thing to take care of. it depends on you for everything and you have to figure out what it wants and needs without any real form of communication.Talk about scary. The whole thing is surreal, you go through the motions trying to be a good Mom but at the same time you are unsure of every decision you make. And somehow, while you are not paying attention it happens, you just fall into the role of mother as if you were always meant to be there. but in the beginning you are flying blind.
That is how I felt when I brought my daughter home from the hospital. The funny thing is it comes full circle. As unsure of myself as I was then, I made it. I became a good mom. And now I find myself unsure again. Flying blind. looking for my place in this world. For over 20 years I have known how to do only one thing well, parent. So, what now? I am hoping that while I am faking it going through the motions like I was way back when, things will just fall into place and I will find my way.
The kids, who are on winter break from college, didn't come on the trip to Chicago. Alexsis is in Paris, France and Jordan stayed home to recover from the extraction of his wisdom teeth. Normally I would really miss them and be sad that they were missing out on a family event. But today something was a little different. As I watched my niece with her baby I remembered that I had a full life before my kids came to me. I was a self assured young woman with hopes and dreams. I reflected on that quite a bit throughout the day, and as I drove down the Dan Ryan, a feat I could not have completed not ten years ago, I realized that we are in a constant state of flux. Our live changes before us and we have to decide if we are along for the ride. I truly enjoyed the ride home from Chicago. Even if it wasn't to my real home. My head was full of ideas for trips that I could take with my husband, and we turned off the radio and chatted all the way home.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Forced Retirement
Even at the age of ten, if anyone would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have told them, "A mother". As long as I can remember I knew that was what I wanted to do. Some kids dream of being firemen, doctors, even cowgirls, but not me. I just wanted to be a mom. And that I was. I didn't come about it the conventional way. I was young and reckless and both of my kids were unplanned. But I remember clearly the day I accepted the position that was so graciously offered to me. I was scared to death as I walked to the pay phone down the block to make the call to my doctors office. I had peed in a cup that morning and was told to call in for my results that afternoon. We had only been dating for about eight months and I wasn't at all sure we would make it. I cried when the nurse on the line said, "Miss Hays, your results are positive." I stood there in silence, with tears streaming down my cheeks as she explained that I needed to come in for an examination as soon as possible and that the doctor would discuss my options with me. Even as she was talking my decision was made. Don't get me wrong, this was not a religious of political decision for me, just a personal one. I was only 21 and scared to death but I knew that I had just been given a chance, found my calling. I was going to be a mother. I had my daughter on October 1st 1989 and just a year later on October 14Th 1990 I had my son. I didn't marry their father and ultimately we didn't make it. At the age of 23 I was a single mother of two children struggling to make ends meet.
I was a single parent for almost 12 years until I met and married my husband John. At times it was terribly difficult, but it was also a joy beyond measure. This past August, a little over 20 years from the day I made that call, I had the sad task of packing up my son with all of his worldly belongings (which wasn't much due to our house fire in July) and drive him down from Champaign, Il to Charleston,Il to drop him off at his dorm room at Eastern Illinois University. Needless to say I was filled with pride and joy. Both of my children were successful and off to college. Jordan at EIU and Alexsis at Yale. what parent could ask for more. The problem was, I never planned for this. I mean I planned for them to go to college, I just didn't really plan to let them go. An oxymoron, I know. I a time span of 30 days I packed up both of my children and shipped them off to college, (Alexsis for her sophomore year and Jordan for his Freshman year) and my house was struck by lightening and subsequently burned. I was left asking myself what now?
After a few months of deep depression I think I am beginning to understand. The lightening struck the attic. As I stood in the living room looking out over the yard it flashed bright white and nearly blinded me. Had I known right away the the attic was on fire I would have run up there and tried to save the mementos of my children's lives. But I didn't know. I stood instead in the living room f the house that my husband and I had painstakingly renovated and wondered where it struck. Which neighbor was being sent a message. I had no idea the message was meant for me and as I stood there looking out the wndow my treasures were burning. Eventually I smelled the smoke and we escaped from the house. I even had time to save my family pictures. As for the rest, gone. What wasn't lost in the fire was ruined by the fire hoses that saved the remaining structure of the house. We were forced to relocate for the duration of the renovation. The kids left for college from a home that was not theirs. John and I were left in the rental, as we call it, mourning the loss of our home and our kids and stripped of our worldly possessions. For me it has been hard. I struggle everyday. But now I know, the lightening was meant for me. A wake up call. My job is done. The kids don't need me anymore. With my house and my career stripped away there is nowhere to look but inside. Everything happens for a reason.
So here I am, giving myself therapy through the form of a blog. I am on a journey to find myself again. I hope to write each day, reflecting on my career as a mother, dealing with the here and now, and hopefully moving forward. Each day I will try to do something just for me. Put myself first if only for a second. I will make goals for myself and work towards a happier self. Wish me luck.
I was a single parent for almost 12 years until I met and married my husband John. At times it was terribly difficult, but it was also a joy beyond measure. This past August, a little over 20 years from the day I made that call, I had the sad task of packing up my son with all of his worldly belongings (which wasn't much due to our house fire in July) and drive him down from Champaign, Il to Charleston,Il to drop him off at his dorm room at Eastern Illinois University. Needless to say I was filled with pride and joy. Both of my children were successful and off to college. Jordan at EIU and Alexsis at Yale. what parent could ask for more. The problem was, I never planned for this. I mean I planned for them to go to college, I just didn't really plan to let them go. An oxymoron, I know. I a time span of 30 days I packed up both of my children and shipped them off to college, (Alexsis for her sophomore year and Jordan for his Freshman year) and my house was struck by lightening and subsequently burned. I was left asking myself what now?
After a few months of deep depression I think I am beginning to understand. The lightening struck the attic. As I stood in the living room looking out over the yard it flashed bright white and nearly blinded me. Had I known right away the the attic was on fire I would have run up there and tried to save the mementos of my children's lives. But I didn't know. I stood instead in the living room f the house that my husband and I had painstakingly renovated and wondered where it struck. Which neighbor was being sent a message. I had no idea the message was meant for me and as I stood there looking out the wndow my treasures were burning. Eventually I smelled the smoke and we escaped from the house. I even had time to save my family pictures. As for the rest, gone. What wasn't lost in the fire was ruined by the fire hoses that saved the remaining structure of the house. We were forced to relocate for the duration of the renovation. The kids left for college from a home that was not theirs. John and I were left in the rental, as we call it, mourning the loss of our home and our kids and stripped of our worldly possessions. For me it has been hard. I struggle everyday. But now I know, the lightening was meant for me. A wake up call. My job is done. The kids don't need me anymore. With my house and my career stripped away there is nowhere to look but inside. Everything happens for a reason.
So here I am, giving myself therapy through the form of a blog. I am on a journey to find myself again. I hope to write each day, reflecting on my career as a mother, dealing with the here and now, and hopefully moving forward. Each day I will try to do something just for me. Put myself first if only for a second. I will make goals for myself and work towards a happier self. Wish me luck.
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